But Ma already lied that day. What she didn't know my aunt had already told me. But it couldn't be worst, or is it? Despite my aunt's swollen eyes, I believe she will be okay.
Ma started her chemotherapy last May. Funds had been difficult and we had to ask those we know to help us. It's the start of our problem. Ma had been very quiet about her illness. She never told us that it had gone from a small scratch to a full blown cauliflower. Of course there had been an unpleasant odor but we were not ready what will have to come next.
Three months ago, she was admitted for having very low RBC. We know she was having bleeding but we don't know to what extent for she doesn't allow us to see it. The first time my siblings saw it at the hospital, one almost fainted and the rest, with my aunts, are crying. The doctor said he had never encounter wound this big. When I learned of it I braced myself. I don't want to show her I'm afraid. It was really huge. It's like an adult's face. I learn to clean it from my aunt. I really want to help her.
By this time ma was already falling into depression. The chemotherapy is not helping either. It made her lost her appetite. For once I am beginning to doubt. Talking to her does not help. I know I have anger problems and I lost my cool at her. I tried so hard to reach her but she refused.
After a few days we went back to the hospital. She was already too weak to sit. Apart from having low RBC again, she was also undernourished for she refuse to eat anything. I guess during that time I realized how bad had been my behavior to her. i just wan't her to be well but... she was unreachable and it upsets me so much that I end up having tantrums. She had been between sleep and hallucinations in the past few days. And I can't help but watch her face and wonder if she was fighting hard enough. She's not. I know. She is already giving up and the fight had just begun.
Due to money problem we end up bringing her home after a month. I was the one watching over her feeding. She was put into NGT. It was the only way we can put nutrients into her. She had lost her appetite. An aunt help me bathe her and clean the wounds during the day.
It was Sunday, November 6, 2011. Ma was fine. She never complain of anything but she refuse the treats I gave her. At around 1 PM, she was having breathing problems. She was cold too. I remember another aunt was trying to massage her feet to keep them warm. There's the money problem so it was an hour delay before she was sent back to the hospital. She was still fine at the ambulance and even nods her head when my aunt told her we had arrived at the hospital; yet as soon as she step at the emergency's door she suddenly became critical. She had pneumatic arrest.
I refused to stop what ever the emergency staff are giving her for a hope, though I know how small, that she will be okay. The doctor already told us that if ever she will pass this she will have to be sent to ICU with two nurses to attend her privately. She will be in coma. Would it be better than losing ma? I say yes. I wan't her with us. I, my sister and an aunt was already upset that the other members of the family were not here yet. It may be the last time we see her alive- still they are too slow to understand its importance.
It took them almost 40 minutes to revive her. I had been approach thrice, yet I was still waiting for father. What will they say if I just let Ma go? Even though I know she's long gone. Finally, her lung specialist (it's his first time to see her) finally had a talk with my sister and I. It was the most important decision of my life. I said, "okay. You can stop it now." Then every thing just caved in. I was so tired. My head hurts like hell and Ma was finally gone... I kissed her the last time.
What comes after wards had been really painful for me.
Who would had thought it would come to this. If we didn't allow chemotherapy, there's a chance she will be still with us, not definite, but a little longer. Her body wasn't able to handle it...
I miss Ma. Life's different without her. I wished I was able to understand her condition than be angry with her because she is giving up...
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