WANTED: Functioning Brain

    Life was like a stale bread for us.  It keeps us full, yet it is unpalatable.  My brain is very much okay, Thank you.  But the longer I exercise it, the worst it contorts itself.  Home has much to do with it.  At my age, which is pretty much beyond the calendar, I suffer what I call Brain Depletion.  My sibs and I were suffering it all our lives.  Being a robot is a mild word to describe our life.  We are the new generation zombies.  Wait till we eat your brains!
     It is no laughing matter though I laugh at myself most of the time making people think I have a loose screw somewhere but this is very normal for a reflex.  At least I still manage to have reflexes.  What will I be if I loose that as well?
     Pops had been the very engineer of our moronic brain.  It's painful but true.  If Hitler were still here, he would be very proud of him.  But I hate fascism and communism.  Am I not a free creature?  Sure we could stumble along the way, but isn't it the only way to learn?  There are people who never learn at one mistake but they do learn.  That's a fact.
     Sometimes I wonder if he even treat us as human beings.  He is nice to other people but to us and ma (God, bless her soul!) we are nothing but the idiot housekeeper.  The verbal abuse can be mind shrinking but I get used to it (though not all of the time).  My sibs caught it harder.  They don't have my restless thoughts.  This save me from getting demented.  Sometimes when he shouts (he never admit he shouted nor he cursed) I can't help laughing.  Maybe I am getting crazy but just don't realize it.
     You can't indeed choose your family but if we can, I would rather come out of a splitting bamboo.  No headaches and my brain would be defective free...

Beef or Pork

     Never was I so excited than was to get out of my coop and grocery had been one of the ticket that I may be able to escape oppression from a tyrannic leader at home. How nice was the rumbling of the jeepney as it literally trashes on the road on my way to the grocery.  Drivers are loony in my country but they bring with them the gushing air of freedom that I overlook their reckless behavior, provided I cross my fingers that I shall reach my destination in one piece; so no complain there  unless I loose a body part which is another story.

     Shopping for the vegetables provokes no disaster.  I lounge in that area smelling this and touching that and savoring the delicious textures it gave my hand.  There's just so much thing going on there.  You remember the farmers carefully tending them until such time  they are ready to be displayed in all their pretty colors and lovely smells in the market.  Vegetables are really interesting.

     The time for the poultry  came and still no catastrophe happened.  I just follow my stingy instinct and chickens are no match for me.  I am thinking about fried (again) if ever they would want me to cook meat for them.  Maybe a Pochero would do this lunch then I wonder when will I be able to cook a decent Adobo where it's not either salty or sour.  Maybe my brother will cook Adobo tonight (which he did!) then I'll have a really hearty dinner.

     Then I came by the meat section. I have to buy ground pork or maybe a few strips of pork belly until the beef caught my eye.  I am pretty curious of it for we rarely cook beef at home.  Pops doesn't like beef and what Pops want,  Pops get.  But the beef was simply red and chunky and looked invitingly harmless enough.  The only time I ate beef was when I am in someone's else's house... or maybe buying it in a nearby carinderia.  I really wanted to try one of those roasted beef on TLC channel (there goes my drool) and I am really in a tight decision then.  What I did was to move around for a while;  find the other stuff on my grocers list; check out new products; read those I am interested about and hope that someday I will have enough cash to try it.  Then I returned to the meat section again.  This time I was brave (or silly) enough to prod the beef, and then I sighed.  Sure enough I want it so bad but my pocket tells me I don't have enough dough to make a wrap of it.

     There I left with a heavy heart (and an upset stomach) and a decision that the beef was too expensive for me to give it an excuse to stay side by side with my pork belly.

     Thank God it's not raining outside!

I wanted to be a vegetarian but sometimes meats are a temptation!

   

Confusing Roads

     My teacher once told us that in order to be somebody some day you have to go beyond the norm.  People follow trends, and being one is the death of your dreams.  I wonder if this applies to family circumstances. Father's family had been a pain in that backside for all I can remember.  He and the rest of them are dream killers- well, at least for a very few ones which are fewer than the number of my nostrils.  I don't know what has got into them but it did crushed the very last of my self confidence. 
     Any how I manage to get out of their clutch but remain traumatized for the rest of my years.  Here I write what i think that would exorcise me if not purge me of my untimely demise of their behavior. I believe every thing started with jealousy which is rather stupid for they have more than what the rest of humanity is living with.  
     It should had been a good life for us if not for the family's crazy notion that nobody and they mean nobody should go beyond them, even us their children and nieces and nephews. If their parents were alive, they should have gotten a very sore spanking that they won't be able to sit for a month. Too bad the Grands left us too early.
     I was feeling bad for the teachers who had encouraged us but in the end, we were not able to show them what we are capable of.  What's more confusing is that the  family who are supposed to be their behind us are the ones who pushes us off the cliff.  This is cannibalism without them realizing it.  Destroying those that are in compete with them.  
     Now... should I eat them as well?

Slow Awakening

     It has been three weeks since Ma was buried.  Here we are now facing a new chapter in our life.  The kind that wasn't so different, yet, still so different after all.  Home I know wasn't  a warm kind where people are confident or friendly or happy.  Ours was never perfect.  The only thing that keep it from falling apart is that very faint light which to now had finally come to its end.  A candle that finally burned out.  
     I don't have high hopes for our peace, though I really hope that after Ma left us that we would learn to be closer... to be a family;  still it was all wishful thinking.  I've learned to face such life since a long time ago.  I will learn to do it some more...  It's just sad to think that life's never perfect or tolerable at least.  I guess not every one have hopes for a peaceful life.
     I love travelling.  Every time I ride jeepneys I always watch the houses we passed by.  I always wonder what kind of life it has to offer or what kind of people lives there.  It is interesting to know.  I would love to take a peek inside those house.  I like wooden houses the best.  Wood to me is comfort and warm. 
     I wonder if they love their Ma in those houses like we do or is she the kind of mother I always visualized- a good cook, loving, understanding and warm.  When I was younger I always thought houses smells of good food and clean laundry; then mother's would smell like freshly bake breads.  Breads are such homey things and mothers deserve to be the queen of every homes.
     Tonight I can't help but wonder when Ma will come back.  After all my aunt told us to think that she had only gone to the market.  I thought what could she have been buying to come home so late? 

After Ma

     Mother was diagnosed with breast cancer last March 7, 2011.  It didn't worry me a bit.  We had gone through a lot of worst times; this couldn't be bad, is it?  Anyway there are a lot of survivors.  I'm pretty confident she will weather this through. Oh sure there should be no worry at all.

     But Ma already lied that day.  What she didn't know my aunt had already told me.  But it couldn't be worst, or is it?  Despite my aunt's swollen eyes, I believe she will be okay.

     Ma started her chemotherapy last May.  Funds had been difficult and we had to ask those we know to help us.  It's the start of our problem.  Ma had been very quiet about her illness.  She never told us that it had gone from a small scratch to a full blown cauliflower.  Of course  there had been an unpleasant odor but we were not ready what will have to come next.

     Three months ago, she was admitted for having very low RBC.  We know she was having bleeding but we don't know to what extent for she doesn't allow us to see it.  The first time my siblings saw it at the hospital, one almost fainted and the rest, with my aunts, are crying.  The doctor said he had never encounter wound this big.  When I learned of it I braced myself.  I don't want to show her I'm afraid.  It was really huge.  It's like an adult's face.  I learn to clean it from my aunt.  I really want to help her.  

     By this time ma was already falling into depression.  The chemotherapy is not helping either.  It made her lost her appetite.  For once I am beginning to doubt.  Talking to her does not help.  I know I have anger problems and I lost my cool at her.  I tried so hard to reach her but she refused.

     After a few days we went back to the hospital.  She was already too weak to sit.  Apart from having low RBC again, she was also undernourished for she refuse to eat anything.  I guess during that time I realized how bad had been my behavior to her.  i just wan't her to be well but...  she was unreachable and it upsets me so much that I end up having tantrums.  She had been between sleep and hallucinations in the past few days.  And I can't help but watch her face and wonder if she was fighting hard enough.  She's not.  I know.  She is already giving up and the fight had just begun.

     Due to money problem we end up bringing her home after a month.  I was the one watching over her feeding.  She was put into NGT.  It was the only way we can put nutrients into her.  She had lost her appetite. An aunt help me bathe her and clean the wounds during the day.

     It was Sunday, November 6, 2011.  Ma was fine.  She never complain of anything but she refuse the treats I gave her.  At around 1 PM, she was having breathing problems.  She was cold too.  I remember another aunt was trying to massage her feet to keep them warm. There's the money problem so it was an hour delay before she was sent back to the hospital.     She was still fine at the ambulance and even nods her head when my aunt told her we had arrived at the hospital; yet as soon as she step at the emergency's door she suddenly became critical.  She had pneumatic arrest.   

    I refused to stop what ever the emergency staff are giving her for a hope, though I know how small, that she will be okay.  The doctor already told us that if ever she will pass this she will have to be sent to ICU with two nurses to attend her privately.  She will be in coma.  Would it be better than losing ma?  I say yes.  I wan't her with us.  I, my sister and an aunt was already upset that the other members of the family were not here yet.  It may be the last time we see her alive- still they are too slow to understand its importance.  

     It took them almost 40 minutes to revive her.  I had been approach thrice, yet I was still waiting for father.  What will they say if I just let Ma go?  Even though I know she's long gone.  Finally, her lung specialist (it's his first time to see her) finally had a talk with my sister and I.  It was the most important decision of my life.  I said, "okay.  You can stop it now."  Then every thing just caved in.  I was so tired.  My head hurts like hell and Ma was finally gone...  I kissed her the last time.

    What comes after wards had been really painful for me.       

     Who would had thought it would come to this.  If we didn't allow chemotherapy, there's a chance she will be still with us, not definite, but a little longer.  Her body wasn't able to handle it...

     I miss  Ma. Life's different without her.  I wished I was able to understand her condition than be angry with her because she is giving up...