Quick Kill

     I hate losing, especially if it's done in a bad way.  Cheating for example. If you had done every thing just to win and some body just made it easy by cheating, wouldn't you get so angry that you can actually butcher and prepare them for luch?

     Well it happened again anyway.  This time our own lawyer made a fool out of us by selling our case.  I guess ma and her aunt(the real owner who slapped the case to her brother and niece) would rise from her grave now if she knows it.  What bothers me the most is that they never did respect her.  She and her sibs and their mom are just some dirty wash-clothes.  Her pa's family are so greedy that they took their rights and their inheritance with it.

     I just don't understand relatives at all.  They smile at you upfront and shoot you behind.  Boom!  you're dead.

Earthquake in the house

     After that magnitude 6 quake last week, I thought I will never be able to sleep right again.  The after shocks had been nerve wreacking.  You never know if the ceiling will fall on you while you sit there reading Harry Potter.  I just hope my aquarium stays grounded.  I thought it was going to crash.  Thank God it did not.

    Another quake hits home (well it always does every day, only this time it's one of those eplosive ones) as pops verbally abused my brother this time.  I long since tried my hardest to hold my tongue infront of him.  It's no good bickering with the old man for he never listens to reason.  You have to have an iron will not to strangle him.  Imagining it is hard to supress.

     I don't know what started it.  He always argue about small details.  Well my brother is starting to becoming a lot like him and the way their voice raise that much, I believe a lot heard it.  Pops kept calling him idiot.  I wonder if he's the same.  What's wrong with a little dream?  I think I heard my brother talking about wanting to work but the way pops is degrading us, I wonder if we can survive being somebody some day.  He is complaining a lot that we are useless but if we decide to find a job he stops us saying we are too stupid to find one.  Lovely!

     If you ask me, I believe he is afraid of being alone; or else he is really loose some where up there.  This just occured to me.  Maybe he have psychological problem.  But try to tell him that and you're dead meat.  He never accepts mistakes, makes other people's ideas his, concieted, a sexist, thinks lewd is funny, always blames other people, always shouts at them w/o the poor person's knowing why and lot others.


     Well, that's just pretty ordinary unless my own psychosis bubbles up then we all got a huge problem.     

Catching Water

     Days come heavily.  It came more like pouncing and me being unaware had flatten by it's impact.  One one part of my brain, I'm still worried about my new dog getting himself hanged from his own leash.  he climb the wall today; seeing perhaps an exit just over it; he came down hanging the second time.  The first time I caught him doing it, wondering what all the banging was all about. I had to carry him down.


     Things like this added more to my already fraying nerves.  I have so many things in my mind already and wondered with all additional worries, how would my mind fare again.


     I had been rescuing animals much to the annoyance of my pops and siblings.  Ma was more the understanding one and without her with us now, I wonder how will I manage to save lives.


     The space for one is already a problem.  Aside from that the expenses I pay for their food.  I know they can't yell at me over food for them for I pay for it and help in other expenses at the house.  I am getting back to that bottomless well and all I have to keep my sanity intact is doing what I do.  Not only it's therapeutic but I make a difference in this world.  Something that they are crushing within me.


     Some times I wonder If I am doing the right thing.  I weep myself dry to purge myself of self doubt but today, the tears doesn't clean me as they used to.  Catching buckets of it doesn't ease pain or helplessness.  If the buckets overflow you have to pour it and start all over again. It's useless. In the end I drowned once again...


      

WANTED: Functioning Brain

    Life was like a stale bread for us.  It keeps us full, yet it is unpalatable.  My brain is very much okay, Thank you.  But the longer I exercise it, the worst it contorts itself.  Home has much to do with it.  At my age, which is pretty much beyond the calendar, I suffer what I call Brain Depletion.  My sibs and I were suffering it all our lives.  Being a robot is a mild word to describe our life.  We are the new generation zombies.  Wait till we eat your brains!
     It is no laughing matter though I laugh at myself most of the time making people think I have a loose screw somewhere but this is very normal for a reflex.  At least I still manage to have reflexes.  What will I be if I loose that as well?
     Pops had been the very engineer of our moronic brain.  It's painful but true.  If Hitler were still here, he would be very proud of him.  But I hate fascism and communism.  Am I not a free creature?  Sure we could stumble along the way, but isn't it the only way to learn?  There are people who never learn at one mistake but they do learn.  That's a fact.
     Sometimes I wonder if he even treat us as human beings.  He is nice to other people but to us and ma (God, bless her soul!) we are nothing but the idiot housekeeper.  The verbal abuse can be mind shrinking but I get used to it (though not all of the time).  My sibs caught it harder.  They don't have my restless thoughts.  This save me from getting demented.  Sometimes when he shouts (he never admit he shouted nor he cursed) I can't help laughing.  Maybe I am getting crazy but just don't realize it.
     You can't indeed choose your family but if we can, I would rather come out of a splitting bamboo.  No headaches and my brain would be defective free...

Beef or Pork

     Never was I so excited than was to get out of my coop and grocery had been one of the ticket that I may be able to escape oppression from a tyrannic leader at home. How nice was the rumbling of the jeepney as it literally trashes on the road on my way to the grocery.  Drivers are loony in my country but they bring with them the gushing air of freedom that I overlook their reckless behavior, provided I cross my fingers that I shall reach my destination in one piece; so no complain there  unless I loose a body part which is another story.

     Shopping for the vegetables provokes no disaster.  I lounge in that area smelling this and touching that and savoring the delicious textures it gave my hand.  There's just so much thing going on there.  You remember the farmers carefully tending them until such time  they are ready to be displayed in all their pretty colors and lovely smells in the market.  Vegetables are really interesting.

     The time for the poultry  came and still no catastrophe happened.  I just follow my stingy instinct and chickens are no match for me.  I am thinking about fried (again) if ever they would want me to cook meat for them.  Maybe a Pochero would do this lunch then I wonder when will I be able to cook a decent Adobo where it's not either salty or sour.  Maybe my brother will cook Adobo tonight (which he did!) then I'll have a really hearty dinner.

     Then I came by the meat section. I have to buy ground pork or maybe a few strips of pork belly until the beef caught my eye.  I am pretty curious of it for we rarely cook beef at home.  Pops doesn't like beef and what Pops want,  Pops get.  But the beef was simply red and chunky and looked invitingly harmless enough.  The only time I ate beef was when I am in someone's else's house... or maybe buying it in a nearby carinderia.  I really wanted to try one of those roasted beef on TLC channel (there goes my drool) and I am really in a tight decision then.  What I did was to move around for a while;  find the other stuff on my grocers list; check out new products; read those I am interested about and hope that someday I will have enough cash to try it.  Then I returned to the meat section again.  This time I was brave (or silly) enough to prod the beef, and then I sighed.  Sure enough I want it so bad but my pocket tells me I don't have enough dough to make a wrap of it.

     There I left with a heavy heart (and an upset stomach) and a decision that the beef was too expensive for me to give it an excuse to stay side by side with my pork belly.

     Thank God it's not raining outside!

I wanted to be a vegetarian but sometimes meats are a temptation!

   

Confusing Roads

     My teacher once told us that in order to be somebody some day you have to go beyond the norm.  People follow trends, and being one is the death of your dreams.  I wonder if this applies to family circumstances. Father's family had been a pain in that backside for all I can remember.  He and the rest of them are dream killers- well, at least for a very few ones which are fewer than the number of my nostrils.  I don't know what has got into them but it did crushed the very last of my self confidence. 
     Any how I manage to get out of their clutch but remain traumatized for the rest of my years.  Here I write what i think that would exorcise me if not purge me of my untimely demise of their behavior. I believe every thing started with jealousy which is rather stupid for they have more than what the rest of humanity is living with.  
     It should had been a good life for us if not for the family's crazy notion that nobody and they mean nobody should go beyond them, even us their children and nieces and nephews. If their parents were alive, they should have gotten a very sore spanking that they won't be able to sit for a month. Too bad the Grands left us too early.
     I was feeling bad for the teachers who had encouraged us but in the end, we were not able to show them what we are capable of.  What's more confusing is that the  family who are supposed to be their behind us are the ones who pushes us off the cliff.  This is cannibalism without them realizing it.  Destroying those that are in compete with them.  
     Now... should I eat them as well?

Slow Awakening

     It has been three weeks since Ma was buried.  Here we are now facing a new chapter in our life.  The kind that wasn't so different, yet, still so different after all.  Home I know wasn't  a warm kind where people are confident or friendly or happy.  Ours was never perfect.  The only thing that keep it from falling apart is that very faint light which to now had finally come to its end.  A candle that finally burned out.  
     I don't have high hopes for our peace, though I really hope that after Ma left us that we would learn to be closer... to be a family;  still it was all wishful thinking.  I've learned to face such life since a long time ago.  I will learn to do it some more...  It's just sad to think that life's never perfect or tolerable at least.  I guess not every one have hopes for a peaceful life.
     I love travelling.  Every time I ride jeepneys I always watch the houses we passed by.  I always wonder what kind of life it has to offer or what kind of people lives there.  It is interesting to know.  I would love to take a peek inside those house.  I like wooden houses the best.  Wood to me is comfort and warm. 
     I wonder if they love their Ma in those houses like we do or is she the kind of mother I always visualized- a good cook, loving, understanding and warm.  When I was younger I always thought houses smells of good food and clean laundry; then mother's would smell like freshly bake breads.  Breads are such homey things and mothers deserve to be the queen of every homes.
     Tonight I can't help but wonder when Ma will come back.  After all my aunt told us to think that she had only gone to the market.  I thought what could she have been buying to come home so late?